I don't regret it, but I think I shouldn't had...

It's 4 o'clock in the morning, and I couldn't help it but to get up from my bed and start writing.

You know... I had this inside of me and I knew I had to let it out, and although I really had to, now I think I shouldn't had done it. Yes... I told her almost everything that was chewing me up inside for the past... month, maybe? I was so damn nervous while I was talking 'cause I had never [and I wanna make emphasis on the word "NEVER"] been so honest with a person about that kind of feelings; I've always been the tough one. But tonight I proved myself wrong. Tonight I realized that I'm not always the tough one, or not always have to be that one. I believe I'm sort of addicted to her; she's like my own brand of heroine. And despite the fact that I told her, I don't feel completely satisfied. Would anyone please [and I'm begging] tell me why I feel this way if I know that I had to let it out? A part of me feels better now that she knows what was going on, but the other part thinks I did wrong. Now I can't sleep, damn it! She wasn't being very talkative after I said everything. Honestly, not that many words came out of her mouth. Maybe that's the reason of why I'm feeling this way. I think I was expecting for a better explanation. I still need some good answers.

I don't know what's gonna happen now. I'm so lost in my thoughts that I can't even put my thoughts together. I get mad and frustrated just to think about it; just to think about what she did. Or didn't do, better said. I know it's gonna be hard but I'll try to bury it in the past.

Tomorrow is gonna suck for me; I feel it, and I know it. But I guess I'll just have to sit, wait, and see what's gonna happen. I really hope for her to give me more thoughts from herself on the subject.

P.S.: this song came up a few minutes ago. I love it, so I'll just paste it into this post. Maybe it means something.

Is it worth the can you even hear me
Standing with your spotlight on me
Not enough to feed the hungry
I'm tired and I felt it for awhile now
In this sea of lonely
The taste of ink is getting old
It's four o' clock in the fucking morning
Each day gets more and more like the last day
Still I can see it coming
While I'm standing in the river drowning
This could be my chance to break out
This could be my chance to say goodbye
At last it's finally over
Couldn't take this town much longer
Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be
Now I'm ready to be free

So here I am it's in my hands
And I'll savor every moment of this
So here I am alive at last
And I'll savor every moment of this

today, I thought of you...

There's something that will hunt me down for the rest of my life, and it's what happened that day. If there's something I regret in my whole life is what I did that Sunday night; Sunday, June 3rd, 2007. If I could turn back time and undo what I did, I would not think it over twice. I gave her the wrong impression of me that day; that person that night wasn't me. I admit anger was by my side because of what had happened 2 days ago, but that did not give me any reason to act the way I did, or to say the things I said. That is just not me, but I was frustrated. And although my friends told me not to do it, I stupidly did it.

After that day, I knew our relationship, our friendship, was doomed. But I realized it a little too late. And what I regret the most is that I lost her friendship. She was my best friend and I lost her. Of course I tried to fix it, but then again, it was too late. I am terribly sorry for what I did and said, and I want you to know that. And I also want you to know that I miss you as well. I wish we could be friends like we used to; that's all I'm asking. I know it's hard, almost impossible, but I feel the need of talking to you like I used to, and I miss the way you opened yourself to me and told me about your problems, and together we were able to figure something out to fix it. You really were a very good friend, and I miss that.

Unfortunately, things aren't always like we want them to be, and the bad things you do will always hunt you down for the rest of your life, unless you fix them. I hope this can be fixable. It would be so damn great to have you back as a friend. I even smile when I think about it. (:
I miss you.

I'm currently listening to Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars. That was our song; the song she dedicated to me. Pretty awkward coincidence.

We'll do it all, everything, on our own 
We don't need anything or anyone 

If I lay here 
If I just lay here 
Would you lie with me 
And just forget the world 

I don't quite know how to say how I feel 
Those three words are said too much 
They're not enough 

If I lay here 
If I just lay here 
Would you lie with me 
And just forget the world 
Forget what we're told 
Before we get too old 
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.